


Simon wants to puke

by WeWalkADifferentPath



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec and Jace get schooled, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Magnus knows everything, Out of Canon bonding, Panic Attacks, Simon Lewis Deserves Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 23:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11000934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWalkADifferentPath/pseuds/WeWalkADifferentPath
Summary: "Disoriented, his eyes skim the people around him, searching for something, someone,anyone.But what would he even say if he found one of them? Surely Clary would be sympathetic if he told her he needed to go home, but the others?He was pretty sure that not only would Jace and Alec refuse to leave; they'd probably laugh at him, too. They both fight demons every day of their lives, had even when they were children, and Simon's panicking because what? He's in a loud club? Some guy shoved him?Some women looked a lot like Camille?"





	Simon wants to puke

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, this is the very first fic I'm putting up here! So feel free to leave a comment or hit me up, my tumblr info is below :) 
> 
> The title comes from me saving it unnamed in a word document, and it just uses the first line automatically. But I ended up growing quite fond of it, ha. My brother pointed out a good one-liner in this that I could use for an Alec-centered fic if I ever made a series of one-shots; bonus points if anyone sees it!

##### SIMON--

Simon wants to puke.

That's his first thought as they walk into Pandemonium, the overwhelming stench of alcohol and sweat assaulting his still-adapting vampire senses. He wrinkles his nose. _Gross_. Why didn't Raphael warn him about this?

Although, he supposes, Raphael likely hasn't been to a club voluntarily in decades. 

His second thought is that it's loud in here. So loud, and _has it always been this loud?_ Surely it hasn't, it wasn't, when he and Clary used to come here, but- well, he supposes Vamp hearing probably has something to do with this unfortunate new sensation, too. 

But Clary looks so happy and _relaxed_ standing next to him, and Jace is already whooping as he makes his way across to the bar. Even Alec is standing a little less stiffly than before, which Simon counts as a major win. 

And if even Alec can enjoy himself at a club... well, then Simon knows that he can't screw this up. 

He's Simon Lewis. Best friend extraordinaire, infallibly cheery, bright side always firmly in mind.

At least most of the time. 

So all he needs to do is channel that guy. And he'll have fun, right? 

Right. 

Besides, while the club was always more Clary's thing than his, he's had a good time here before. 

Relaxing, he starts to listen for the music, shaking himself loose. He's got this. 

“Simon!” Clary tugs on his sleeve, a request for him to tilt over so she can speak into his ear. “I'm gonna go with Jace to get drinks, are you okay here with Alec?” 

Simon glances over at Alec, who seems heavily invested in his phone. Probably texting Magnus. 

“Uh, sure, no worries. Give me lots of bonding time with this guy, right?” He nudges Alec's arm with his, wiggling his eyebrows. Alec just raises his eyes briefly, unimpressed, before turning his attention back to his phone. 

Simon feels Clary shaking next to him with gentle laughter, and she shoots him a sympathetic look. 

“I'll be back, okay? No drinks for you right?” 

Simon nods and Clary's smile brightens as she disappears into the crowd.

That's another thing. When did it become so goddamn crowded in this place? 

Simon looks at Alec, feeling a little awkward. He's always liked the guy, really, but he's quite certain that Alec's never felt a single emotion in his direction other than apathy and maybe mild irritation. 

Not like with Magnus. Alec is laughing as he reads something on his phone, and Simon takes advantage of the moment. 

“So, you and Magnus huh?” It comes out a little more self-consciously than intended, but it works.

Alec doesn't look up from his phone this time. “What about us?” 

He and Alec are closer in height than he was with Clary, but still not close enough to avoid the typically awkward club tradition of getting way too into someone's personal space, only to still rely almost exclusively on lip reading. 

“I mean, you know I'm your guys' biggest fan, right? Like I totally ship Malec. But I wondered for a while if that wedding kiss would be it, you know? Since you kind of ignored him for a while after that-”

Alec finally looks up, his expression dangerously blank. “What's your point, vampire?”

Simon doesn't flinch at the nickname- it's not friendly, but he's gotten used to it by now. For a while after he turned Alec still called him “mundane,” until he must have finally caught up. 

So vampire it is, now. Simon wonders not for the first time why no one in this friend group ever seems willing to learn his actual _name_. 

But at least, you know, they're talking to him in the first place.

“I uh- just that I'm happy for you, you know? You seem happier, man- not that you seemed miserable before or anything, except well I guess you kind of did, but like no one could blame you for that. It's just, you seem.. different, since you started dating Magnus. Good different. Not that-”

Alec cuts him off with a wave of his hand, his eyes still glued to his phone. “Thanks.” 

Realizing that he's clearly not going to get anything more than that out of Alec, and grateful that he even got a thank you instead of a punch in the face, Simon takes his cue to leave. 

“I'm gonna.. go to the washroom, okay?”

Alec doesn't answer, so Simon just leaves, pretty certain Alec won't even notice. 

Simon pushes through the crowd ahead of him, not really sure where he intends to go but sure that he needs to put some distance between himself and Alec. Absentmindedly he bumps into someone, who sloshes a bit of their drink on him. 

The vampire is a few inches taller than him, long and willowy with dark brunette hair that comes down past her breasts. Simon can see a flash of white fangs as she turns a dazzling smile on him. 

“Sorry, pet. At least it's an expensive drink, right? Wouldn't want something cheap on a fabric like this.”

She fingers his shirt, and Simon wonders how she manages to make her voice so silky and seductive when she's shouting over the noise like that. 

“Uh, yeah, it's fine, no worries,” he answers, cringing at himself. “I uhm, I'm Simon? Lewis? I don't think we've met.” 

Her smile widens. “No, I think I'd remember you.” 

He's about to shake her hand, dimly realizing that this woman is actually hitting on _him,_ Simon Lewis, when something whacks him in the gut from the side. Hard. 

Simon regains his balance, whirling to see whoever or _whatever_ did that. It was a hard shove, so it couldn't have been a mundane...

Turns out, it's a very pissed off, very large, very scary looking werewolf dude.

Who just so happens to be looking at Simon like a cockroach he wants to smush under his shoe. 

Simon is sure that if he was still human right now, his pulse would have just tripled. 

“Who's this asshole?” the guy demands.

Simon tilts his head up to look the dude in the face, where he's towering at least a solid foot and a half above Simon's head. 

Simon is not drunk enough for this. 

Well, he's not drunk _at all,_ but that just punctuates the point. 

The beautiful vampire woman laughs sharply. “Oh no one darling, or at least no one that's _your_ business anymore. We were just getting to know each other.”

The big guy grimaces, turning his gaze back onto Simon.

“Who the fuck are you, asshole?”

Simon tries to look like someone who's not about to faint. 

“I uhm- I'm nobody. Yeah, nobody. Just an awkward fledgling passing through, sorry!” 

He ducks, trying to weave his way past the two, and almost makes it. 

He feels a hand grip his shirt from behind and freezes. “Next time,” a voice hisses in his ear, low and threatening, and the smell of alcohol on his breath is impossibly strong “you talk to my girl, I'll kill you. Understand? Accords or no accords.”

Simon just nods, still facing away from the werewolf, and doubles his attempt at leaving.

The guy shoves him, hard, and Simon stumbles. “Get the fuck out of my sight, _bloodsucker._ ”

And Simon is nothing if not someone who does as he's told. He pushes through the crowd of people in front of him, aiming for an exit, but can't get very far through this many people. 

_Why are there so many people?_

He wonders briefly if he could find Alec, Jace, or Clary again, but dismisses the thought quickly. It would be nearly impossible to find them like this and it's not worth calling them and stressing everyone out with a possible fight. He just needs to get out of here for a minute, and he'll be fine. 

Right?

The strobe lights are blindingly bright, flashing blue and red in the otherwise completely dark club. The people- and Downworlders, of all shapes and types- are everywhere, dancing and kissing and laughing and drinking, and the stench of alcohol is wrapped around Simon's mind, making him feel fuzzy. 

He needs to get outside. Needs to get some air. Then he'll be fine. 

But he _can't._

He pushes a little harder, trying to move the people in front of him without hurting anyone. He's not totally good with his vamp strength yet, and he doesn't want to risk anything. But the smell of alcohol and oppressive weight of the bodies around him are starting to make him woozy, and he's afraid that if he doesn't get out soon he might pass out. 

He feels a hand on his back and whirls, expecting to see the werewolf again wondering why Simon hasn't gotten out of his sight yet. But it's just a mundane, a small women who's clearly stumbling drunk. She gives him an apologetic smile before ducking away. 

Simon looks around, realizing that he can't see the vampire woman or the man anywhere. He must have somehow made it a fair distance away from them, or at least they moved away. Still though, the hairs on his neck are sticking up and his nerves are stretched. 

The women's smile is stuck in his head, and the way the cold seeped through his shirt where she'd touched him. He looks up, panting, and searches again for a way out. 

The edges of his vision are getting fuzzy, and he's inexplicably hyperventilating. He feels like he's underground again, trapped and closed in. But at least then he'd been able to push and dig and fight his way out- now, he's quite sure if he tried that, he'd end up killing someone or getting killed. 

Where the fuck is the exit? 

_You're okay,_ he tells himself. You're fine. It's just a club. It's just a crowd. _You can do this._

But everything is just too much. It's too loud, too bright, too strong too close too much too much- 

_You're fine. You're fine!_

This isn't… this isn't anything.

He just wants to be home, curled up somewhere with a blanket and Netflix, watching reruns of some stupid TV series. Or with Clary and Luke and Jocelyn, eating lunch at Taki's. 

Then he remembers the little tin garage that he's living in, and that Jocelyn is dead, and his stomach drops. 

How can it feel like he's not getting enough air when he doesn't even need to breathe? 

Simon stops moving, realizing that he's only managed to dig himself further into the middle of the dance floor. 

Disoriented, his eyes skim the people around him, searching for something, someone, _anyone._ But what would he even say if he found one of them? Surely Clary would be sympathetic if he told her he needed to go home, but the others? 

He was pretty sure that not only would Jace and Alec refuse to leave; they'd probably laugh at him, too. They both fight demons every day of their lives, had even when they were children, and Simon's panicking because what? He's in a loud club? Some guy shoved him? 

Some women looked a lot like Camille? 

He cuts off his thoughts. No, he can't tell them that. Maybe he could just slip out? Desperately he tries one more time to search out the nearest exit, but he can tell already that he won't make it. 

Not without touching a lot of people. Pushing past them. Smelling them and feeling them and… no, he can't do that. But he has to get out. So what..? 

His skin is crawling, tingling all over like he's already being touched. Dimly he realizes that things are fading, and he seems to be slipping deeper into his consciousness, but the people around him are somehow still too sharp. Too loud. Too close. _Not safe not safe not safe he needs to leave-_

Then he sees them. 

Clary's still at the bar, twirling her glass idly as she seems to chat with the bartender. A few paces away, closer to where Simon is, Alec and Jace are standing together with their backs to him. 

His stomach flips. 

Before he can stop himself, he shoves past the few groups of people that separate them, ducking blindly with his eyes almost closed. 

Too many hands on him. Alcohol everywhere. He hears laughter, and for some reason believes that it's directed at him. Of course everyone's laughing at him, why wouldn't they be? He's freaking out over nothing; surely they all must see that written across his face. 

He squeezes his eyes closed even tighter, as if that will block out all of his other sensations too. How are things so sharp and so blurry at the same time? 

_Don't panic, Si. It's just a club._

What can he say to everyone? Something clicks in his head as he reaches Jace and Alec, and a desperate plan begins to form in his mind. He's not sure it'll work, but he knows Clary, and he knows she'll go along with it as long as he explains later. And he will. 

Thinking through the fog, he makes his decision before he can second-guess anything. 

“Jace. Alec! Guys, a little help here?” Simon realizes he's panting. Everything feels far away. 

Alec looks miffed. Jace already looks like he's a few drinks in, flushed and sloppy. Great. 

“What? Did you lose your Spiderman key chain again?” 

The stench is coming off Jace in waves, the distinct smell of whiskey mingling in with the drinks and sweat and blood of the people around them. 

Jace is shouting, but Simon suddenly feels like everything is quiet. Like he's entered a vacuum or put on headphones. He can hear him, but it's not making sense. 

Simon wants to cry. But in order for this plan to work, he has to feign normalcy. Just for long enough. And then he's sure- or pretty sure, at least, from having seen Jace and Alec in action- that the Shadowhunters will get them home. 

Please G-- let this work. 

Somehow, even with his brain lost behind him, Simon's mouth begins to move. He watches himself as if watching another person, speaking on autopilot, hoping his voice is coming out steady. 

“No- although I'll have you know, that key chain is priceless.” He adds a short laugh, but even to his own ears it doesn't sound genuine. 

“No, it's Clary. I think- uh- I think she's- she's maybe having a bit of a panic attack? She's not d-oing so well, she wants to go home. Is that uh- is that okay?”

-

##### ALEC--

Alec enters the club last, scanning over everyone's heads to make sure there are no threats. He wants to relax, he really does, but in order to do that he needs to make sure it's clear, first. Especially if he plans on drinking, as Magnus has encouraged him to. He doesn't want to walk into any traps. 

Jace whoops loudly, slipping over to the bar, and Alec grimaces. His parabatai will probably be drunk within a few minutes, if history is any indication. 

He pulls out his phone to check his messages. Magnus had told him he'd call if anything went wrong, but that's not what has him on edge. 

Magnus is home, at his loft, having a quiet night in tonight. And Alec is _here._

_“Bonding is important, my love,”_ Magnus had told him, as he helped Alec pick out his outfit. _“And I'll be here when you get home. Text me if you're desperate, but try to have fun if can.”_

Alec had been more than a little reluctant, but had agreed to come when Clary had asked him. Jace seemed pumped about the idea of a night out, and Isabelle already couldn't make it, so... 

_- > You better be right about this, babe._

Alec rarely ever uses pet-names in person, but he's taken to using them over text, much to Magnus's delight. He stares at his phone for a second, waiting for a response, before realizing that he should probably at least _look up_ every once in a while. 

Alec sees Clary tug on Simon's sleeve, shouting something into his ear. Simon looks at Alec and nods 

He says something, and nudges Alec's arm, wiggling his eyebrows. Alec glances at him, deciding not to bother responding. It was probably a jab at him, anyways. Simon seems to delight in pointing out Alec's grumpiness the way that Isabelle does.

Clary says something else to Simon and then smiles, drifting off toward where Jace stands at the bar. 

_- > You know I'm always right, Alexander. Now stop staring at your phone and be social. _

Alec laughs, thinking about Magnus sitting at home, feet up on the couch as he watches some old movie or flips through one of the books in his library. The idea is cozy. Homey. Something that Alec that has come to be familiar with over these last few months. 

He already misses Magnus and he saw him less than an hour ago. The thought should scare him, but somehow, he doesn't mind. 

“So, you and Magnus huh?” Simon's suddenly in his space, shouting into his ear. 

Alec doesn't look up from his phone, not entirely comfortable with how close the vampire is standing to him. “What about us?” 

“I mean, you know I'm your guys' biggest fan, right? Like I totally ship Malec. But I wondered for a while if that wedding kiss would be it, you know? Since you kind of ignored him for a while after that-”

Alec looks up, feeling his expression harden. Because he needs that lovely reminded of how much of a dick he was to Magnus for the first few weeks they knew each other. “What's your point, vampire?”

Simon doesn't look dissuaded. 

“I uh- just that I'm happy for you, you know? You seem happier, man- not that you seemed miserable before or anything, except well I guess you kind of did, but like no one could blame you for that. It's just, you seem... different, since you started dating Magnus. Good different. Not that-”

Alec feels guilt prick up inside him and he starts to blush. Simon can be a little overbearing, but he means well- and, if Alec's being honest, he can credit quite a bit of his relationship with Magnus to the fledgling. 

There was one specific moment in particular. It was before he and Magnus had started dating, a little while after the memory demon incident, and Alec had had a rough night. He had been feeling like shit, berating himself about everything. 

He'd thought that all of his feelings would be out in the open now- and while that thought had terrified him, he'd also been relieved. Because maybe if Jace knew, he would... Well, Alec had tried not to hope, but some part of him still had. 

So when Jace hadn't even realized what the memory meant, Alec had realized then and there that Jace had never, and would never, feel the same way. It was so out of the scope of anything Jace had ever considered that he couldn't even see it when it was right in front of him, so that must make it an impossibility.

Alec had been crushed and confused. Meeting Magnus had also made him feel things that he hadn't expected, and he didn't know where to turn. He'd gotten a little drunk, and a little overtired. 

And at around 4am, he'd decided to make a call. 

Scrambling around in his room, he'd found Izzy's phone where she'd left it earlier, and opened it blearily. He scrolled through her contacts, feeling increasingly discouraged.

Was there no one he could talk to? He was truly alone, wasn't he? 

Somehow, he ended up on Simon's name. Simon... Simon was far enough away from him that Alec didn't have to care about his opinion, but close enough that he'd know what was going on. Drunk and desperate, he pressed call before he had time to talk himself out of it. 

Simon picked up on the second ring. “Izzy?”

Alec froze. _What the fuck did he just do?_ “I, uh, no, it's uhm, it's not Izzy. Sorry, wrong number?”

“Alec?” 

_Shit._ “Uh, yeah.”

“What's going on man? Is everything okay?”

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, trying to steady his breathing. What could he say to that? No Simon, everything's not okay, I'm a pathetic loser who has to call someone I can't stand for a late night chat about my feelings? 

Turns out, that's exactly what he said. 

Simon was quiet for a long moment. “Okay, cool.” He sounded oddly cheery for someone who'd been disturbed in the middle of the night by a drunken guy. 

So Alec said that, too. 

“Dude, I'm just happy you called me. I mean, you called _me._ I thought you hated me! I'm a little flattered, really. Actually, why did you call me? Why not Izzy or Jace or... well, anyone really?” 

Alec shook his head before realizing that Simon couldn't see him. “You're the only one who…” he drifted off, unsure how to say what he was thinking without being a total dick. 

But Simon got the message anyways. “Right. You don't care about my opinion, so I 'm a safe choice yeah? I totally get it man, what's wrong?” 

And somehow it all came out. The details of the night are still fuzzy, but Alec's pretty sure he had actually gotten a little misty-eyed at one point, his throat just on the safe side of hoarse as he spoke. Not that he would've admitted that to Simon. 

After what must have been close to an hour, Simon finally spoke. “Wow, dude. I'm sorry. I mean, I get what you're going through a little bit- I've been in love with Clary for years too, and she's never known either. It's hard man. I can't even imagine the gay thing and the parabatai thing on top of that.”

Alec made a soft noise of agreement, already feeling much too sober to be having this conversation still. “What do I do Simon?” he whispered, clutching his sheets tightly until his knuckles turned white. 

Simon hummed thoughtfully. “Well, do you want a supportive answer or an honest one? Actually, scratch that, you'd want an honest one right?”

Alec grunted in agreement, feeling a bit of respect for Simon that he was being so straight with him. The entire time, he'd never once spoken to Alec as though he were a drunk acquaintance who'd called just to come out to him in the most ridiculous way possible and then ramble about a male Warlock he'd only recently met. Even though that's exactly what Alec was.

Simon had spoken to him like an equal, like an adult capable of handling the truth, and that had made Alec feel like he _could_ handle things. 

“I think that you should try to get over Jace, dude. It seems like you're still hanging on to him, but it doesn't sound like you're really in love with him anymore. Or ever were, really. As someone who _has_ been deeply in love with a friend, what you have with Jace just seems like... desperate attraction. You clearly love each other-” he added, before Alec could cut him off, “- but it doesn't seem like you're _in love_ with him. It seems like he's the safe choice.” 

Simon paused, giving Alec a chance to absorb what he was saying. “I think you really seem to like Magnus from the sounds of things, right? So maybe you should give that a chance.”

Alec sighed heavily, rubbing at his eyebrows. How late was it? “I can't, Simon.” 

Simon considered. “Even if you can't act on it right now, that doesn't stop you from being open to it. You can at least... think about it, right? Be hopeful for it, the way you were hopeful about Jace. And maybe then you'll realize what having real feelings for someone is like, and you'll realize you never had them for Jace to begin with.”

Alec stayed silent, overwhelmed. Everything Simon was saying made sense, but Alec was both drunk and already hung-over, and by now it was after 5 in the morning. So he just sighed again, deeply, as a response. 

“Thanks, Simon.” He tried to sound as genuine as he felt, staving off the frustration and exhaustion that was probably leaking into his voice. “I appreciate this, honestly.”

Alec could practically hear Simon smiling through the phone. “No problem, dude! Er, Alec. Anytime, honestly. I know this stuff is hard. You always have a friend okay? Or at least, an unbiased mundane enemy that's willing to listen, day or night.”

Alec chuckled, faintly, before something occurred to him. “Simon…”

“I know, I know. If I tell anyone, I'm dead right? Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. Now get some sleep yeah? You have a nasty hangover coming your way tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Goodnight, Simon.”

“Goodnight!” 

Alec hung up and immediately flopped backward onto the bed, letting all of his breath for what felt like the first time that week. Simon's words had rang through his mind until he'd fallen asleep. 

Now, Alec looks back at his phone, feeling suddenly quite awkward. Simon had kept his secret all this time, and they'd never talked about it again. It wasn't like they were _friends_ necessarily, but Alec would never forget that night- even if some of the details were hazy. 

But he was embarrassed too, unsure of how Simon thought of him now. Until that point he'd been stoic and terse with the mundane, keeping him at a distance just how Alec liked things. But now... 

Alec cuts Simon off with a wave of his hand, refusing to look up from his phone even though there's nothing on the screen. He's counting on the lack of light in the club to hide the heat that's risen to his cheeks. 

“Thanks,” he says stiffly. 

_For everything,_ he thinks, but he doesn't say it. 

Simon mumbles something else, but Alec doesn't hear it, and before he can even look at him Simon is gone, pushing his way through the crowd. 

Alec shrugs to himself, assuming the vampire just went to look for Clary. He looks back at his phone. 

_- > The vampire just congratulated us on our relationship. He says I look happier._

\- > :) And..?

_- > And I am. Happier. Since I met you. You know that right?_

-> I know love, but it's always nice to hear. Tell Seamus thank you.

_- > Can't you tell him yourself? I don't want to inflate his ego any more than necessary._

\- > If I didn't know any better I'd think you were afraid of talking to the vampire. 

_- > Am not! (babe). I just can't stand him, obviously._

-> Obviously. 

Alec suddenly feels the hairs on his neck stand up, and something in his periphery moves. 

“Jace.”

“Awh man, I was trying to scare you!”

Pocketing his phone, Alec turns to his parabatai, who's downing what must be his third or fourth drink. Dimly, Alec realizes that he himself hasn't had anything to drink yet. 

“This place is great man!” Jace shouts. “The drinks are amaaazinngggg.”

Alec makes a noncommittal noise. 

“Where's the vampire?” Jace looks a little unsteady, but Alec knows it won't last long. Jace is a heavy weight if anyone's ever seen one, and the Shadowhunter metabolism helps. 

“I don't know. Bathroom, maybe? He just left.” 

“You know he doesn't drink right?” Jace sounds conspiratorial, stage whispering right into Alec's ear. “Because his dad- and his mom, I think, too. He doesn't want to end up like them.” 

Normally Alec would be peeved about the violation of his personal space-and Simon's privacy- but Jace looks a little vulnerable and Alec has a feeling he knows why, so he softens. 

“Sure Jace, that's fair. And I think he's doing a good job, too” 

Jace nods, a definitive, clipped motion, and Alec knows he got the message.

And his parabatai _is_ doing a good job. He's had a lot of jerking around when it comes to family, and he's handled it all better than Alec ever would have. Alec squeezes his arm and Jace shoves him, already moving on. 

“Jace. Alec! Guys, a little help here?” Jace and Alec turn to see Simon run over, panting heavily. 

“What? Did you lose your Spiderman key chain again?”

Jace clearly expects a stern look or a quippy comeback. But Simon just looks more agitated, if not more determined. “No- although I'll have you know, that key chain is priceless.” He tacks on a short laugh, but it seems forced. 

Alec pockets his phone for a minute, giving his attention to Simon. This is either something serious, in which case he should hear all of it, or more likely it's something stupid, in which case he's learned that giving Simon his attention for a minute is often the fastest way to get him to leave. 

Simon rings his hands together nervously, staring studiously at the ground.

“No, it's Clary. I think- uh- I think she's- she's maybe having a bit of a panic attack? She's not d-oing so well, she wants to go home. Is that uh- is that okay?” 

Jace's head shoots up, and Alec stiffens. “A panic attack? Is she okay?” He's already analyzing the crowd, using his height to look for her red hair. 

Shadowhunters are not particularly well-versed in mental health symptoms. They're considered trivial by some, and deeply personal by the rest. However, Alec has had a couple of dizzying bouts of anxiety himself, and he's gained some experience since he started seeing Magnus. 

A couple of months ago, Magnus had had a panic attack after a nightmare, which had been a bit of a disaster. Alec had felt completely lost, and he was lucky that Magnus had quickly become cognizant enough to tell him what to do to help. Since then, he and Magnus have had some long talks about anxiety and triggers, and Alec has done all the research he could on the Institute computers, determined to prepared himself if anything were to ever come up again. 

The panic attack that Magnus had had was the only one Alec had actually known about at the time, but after his research he's quite sure that he's actually been there for one or two more. However, they presented themselves as irritability or withdrawal. Magnus is prone to dissociating- a word that Alec had learned a few hours into his search- and Alec's also learned that the different kinds of episodes Magnus has all require different responses. It was a little dizzying at first, but he feels a lot more caught up now. 

And knowing his parabatai, Jace won't have a clue what to do. Jace can be quite insightful, and has been through innumerable challenges, but he's also not really versed on things like that. So far he's just relied on experience and instinct. 

And now, a few drinks in, he has less of those than usual too. And Simon will surely be watching Clary, acting as her main support. The vampire also looks worried sick, and in no right mind to actually take charge of anything. 

So this is down to him. 

Alec immediately spots her, siting at the bar, talking amicably with the female bartender. “She looks fine.” 

Simon nods. “Yeah she's uh- she is sort of fine. Well, maybe not, really, but she at least wants us to act like she is? I think she's uh, embarrassed you know? I wouldn't have said anything but...” 

“How do you know then?” Jace cuts in, sounding a little petulant. “I didn't see you talking to her.” 

Simon flushes. “Best friend instincts?”

The excuse is pathetic, and even Alec can tell that Simon is leaving something out. But Simon also looks ridiculously concerned, and Alec doesn't believe for a second that he really thinks Clary is fine. 

“Okay” he says, all business. “Our best bet for exits is probably that one” he points off to the far right corner, where they had come in. “But we have to get through this crowd. Will that be okay?” 

Simon glances toward Clary, considering. He nods slowly. “I guess so. I just- I mean, she doesn't like people touching her much when she's like this, you know? Or at least, not strangers. So the least contact the better. But really I think she'll just be happy to get out of here.”

Alec nods, calculating. “Okay.” 

Simon looks visibly relieved, and Alec can't help but be a little glad that he'd mapped out all of the exit points when they came in, strategizing just in case anything ever happened where they'd have to leave quickly. 

Of course, he had been thinking about a demon attack, or even a Downworlder fight. Not something like this. 

But Alec is nothing if not a strategist and leader. If Clary needs out of here, he'll get them out. 

Simon clears his throat, and Alec glances up at him. “I-uhm, I think I should go get her first, you know? Just to make sure she's...”

Jace frowns, but Alec ignores him, nodding. “Okay. Just shout if you have any trouble getting her to us. I'll text Magnus in the meantime- he can make a portal back to the loft.”

Simon stiffens and Alec notices that the vampire's hands are shaking. 

Did he say something wrong? But no, he can practically hear Magnus's voice in his head; _Simon is probably just concerned for his friend._

Besides, now is not the time for self-doubt. He watches Simon slowly make his way toward Clary. Pulling out his phone, Alec shoots out a quick text to his boyfriend. 

_\-- > Portal in 5? In the alley behind Pandemonium. Clary is not doing well. She's fine I think- will explain later._

\--> Sure thing, Shadowhunter. But be punctual, I can't keep a portal open for long in public. Hope biscuit is okay. 

_\-- > I'm sure she will be. Simon wants us to be casual about it, and pretend we don't know for now. Mundanes, so irrational._

\--> Alexander, you know as well as I do that they aren't mundanes anymore. But sure love, mum's the word. See you soon. xx

Alec pockets his phone again after noting the time. Five minutes, they have five minutes. He glances over to where Simon is talking to Clary, leaning down to yell into her ear. 

Alec sees her eyebrows flash up for a second before she wipes her expression.

Is she surprised that they're helping her? Surely she should know by now that they wouldn't leave her here if she needed help. Jace, definitely. But even Alec has developed a fondness for her, much like he has for her nerdy friend. 

But before he can over-think it, the two are back at their side. On to the next step, then. 

He gives a quick nod to Clary, who has her gazed fixed on Simon and is squeezing his hand as if to reassure _him._ Remembering that Simon said she'd be embarrassed, Alec deftly moves his gaze to his own body and activates a few runes, turning to Jace to carve a messy _iratze_ into his shoulder. Hopefully that'll help steady his drunken parabatai on the way out. 

“I'd activate your glamour, but I think you're more likely to be bumped into on the way out if people can't see you,” he calls down to Clary. “Is that okay?” 

She glances at Simon again, as if looking for permission to speak, and then nods. “Yeah. Thanks, Alec. Thanks to all of you. I'm sorry to make everyone leave.” 

She looks pointedly at Simon, staring at him as Alec and Jace both answer in synch. “Of course.”

Jace still looks a little wobbly, but the _iratze_ and his concern for Clary seem to be helping. He's staring at her a little like a scolded puppy, clearly unhappy about being relegated to the sidelines while Simon gets to step in. But Alec knows he's more protective than he is petty, so he's most likely calculating how to get them out of just as effectively as Alec is. 

Simon looks as if he might faint, and Alec's beginning to wonder just how good Clary's acting skills are if Simon is this concerned and she still doesn't even look miffed. 

Then again, Alec has had his fair share of inner turmoil while retaining a calm facade, hasn't he? And so has Magnus. 

He nods to Jace and flashes his finger in Simon's direction, hoping that his parabatai will still recognize their fighting cues in his inebriated state. Clearly he shouldn't underestimate Jace, who immediately nods and takes a graceful step back, moving in behind where Clary and Simon are still holding hands. 

With Alec in front and Jace blocking the rear, Alec begins to push them forward. 

With his considerable height advantage- and, he's sure, his now well-known relationship status with the High Warlock- the crowd of people parts for him fairly easily. He only has to shove a few Seelies out of the way to make it to the door (not feeling guilty at all as he recognizes one of them, who often hits on Magnus when they come here together). 

They burst through in a clump, and Simon stumbles forward, heaving in breaths as if he'd been drowning. 

Alec's concerned, especially since he can see now in the light that Simon looks considerably paler even than usual. And, well, he basically looks wrecked. His lips are bleeding where he must have bit into them with his fangs, and his hands are still shaking pretty violently. 

Suspicion pooling in his gut, Alec decides that the best way forward is just to get everyone to Magnus's. 

“Over here,” Jace calls. His voice already sounds steadier, Alec thinks approvingly. Thank Raziel for Shadowhunter metabolisms. 

The portal is glowing ethereally in the corner of the ally, purple light illuminating their way toward it. 

Jace shoots Clary another look of concern and clenches his fists as if holding himself back from touching her. He steps through the portal rigidly, and Simon falls in after him, dragging Clary with him. With one last look around to make sure they're alone, Alec follows. 

Stepping into Magnus's loft, Alec immediately feels better. It's warm, and bright, and Magnus always knows how to handle things. 

Or at least, he hopes he does.

-

##### MAGNUS--

The first one to stumble into his loft is Jace, looking a little fuzzy but altogether okay. 

Next is Clary, who Magnus is surprised to see also looks completely put together- if a little concerned. Still, Magnus does a full sweep, checking her for any physical injury or illness and coming up blank. 

Simon tumbles through after her, and then Alec is at the back, as he usually is, watching over his loved ones with a fierce sort of protectiveness that makes Magnus's heart ache

The sight of his Shadowhunter still makes him a little dizzy, the butterflies swirling through his stomach for one fluttery moment before they settle into something calmer. He reaches over instinctively, taking Alec's hand. Alec pecks him on the cheek as a hello. 

“Okay, we're back,” Jace says, all business. “Now what's going on? Simon said it was a panic attack- are you okay Clary?” He steps forward, taking one of Clary's hands in both of his. 

Magnus sighs. Clearly Jace hadn't gotten the memo about keeping his mouth shut. 

Admittedly, though, Magnus is also curious for her answer. She looks okay, but then again it wouldn't be the first time that a member of their group had successfully kept their emotions under wraps. And Magnus knows from experience that a panic attack can present itself in a number of different ways, not all of which are visible. 

Clary sighs softly, squeezing Jace's hand. “Yeah, I'm uhm- I'm fine. I think I just got a little overwhelmed with the crowds and lights and stuff? A lot's happened in these last few weeks and I guess it's affected me more than I thought. I just want to rest, a little.” 

Jace nods but holds her gaze intently, and Magnus can tell that he's a little dubious about her answer. Magnus is too, although he won't push the issue. 

“Sure thing, biscuit. My guest room is always open; you know that.” 

Clary nods, smiling gratefully. “Yeah, thanks Magnus. I'm fine, really.”

Magnus hears Simon clear his throat, and he directs his gaze to the boy for the first time since he stumbled in. He looks like a mess, and Magnus is surprised he didn't notice earlier. Perhaps he needs to feed? Magnus can see that Alec is eyeing him too, and they make eye contact briefly. 

Something's off, but Magnus doesn't know what yet. He decides to test things. 

“Thank you for giving everyone a heads up, Seamus, you're a good friend.”

Simon is unresponsive, except to look at the ground a little harder. “Sure, uh- uhm yeah, that's what uh friends are for right? It was- uhm, it was nothing. In fact I'm sorry I didn't just deal with it myself.”

There's something heavy in the way Simon says the last part, and Magnus looks at him suspiciously. 

“Why would you deal with it yourself?” 

“Oh! Uh, no reason, just that I'm a vampire now right? So I can get a couple people out of a club on my own. I just think- er, thought- maybe, that it would be easier with help. Which, by the way, thank you.” Simon doesn't look up to direct his thanks, and Alec squeezes Magnus's hand. 

Hm. 

Simon's breathing heavily, despite not needing to, and he looks like he's seen a ghost. Meanwhile Clary's standing next to him with her gaze entirely trained on her friend. 

Things are starting to make sense. 

“I'll uh, I'll just head home now yeah?” Simon scratches at the back of his neck. Magnus can see Alec still eyeing him suspiciously, and he agrees, but what can they do? He tries anyways, hoping Simon won't leave. 

“Sure Salmon, do you want a portal back to Luke's? You know you're always welcome to stay here, as well.”

“No uh, that's okay. I mean, thanks, but I'd really better get home. No need for a portal, I'll just run- vamp speed right? You know how the portals make me nauseous. Anyways, I hope uh- I'm glad you're fine Clary, call me tomorrow yeah?”

Clary nods slowly, looking at him like she's not convinced he can stand on his own. “Si, I could come with you..?” 

His expression stiffens, but he smiles. “No, you've had a long night. Stay here. I promise I'll call you later. Thanks again, everyone.” 

And with that, he's out the door. 

There's a few seconds of heavy silence before Jace speaks. 

“Okay, what's up with the nerd? He's normally a bit weird but that was just bizarre. Something's clearly off, right? I'm not imagining that.” 

Even in the confusion, Jace's hand is still in Clary's protectively, and he's keeping his eyes on her as if searching for the answer there. 

She just shrugs. “I think he was just worried about me. Maybe I shouldn't have let him leave, though.” 

Magnus frowns. “No, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jace is right. Something _is_ off.” He considers his options for a second, and decides that the direct route is probably the easiest. 

“And you know what it is, don't you?” he accuses, tilting his head toward Clary. 

Alec gives him a light nudge, presumably trying to remind him that Clary has had a rough night and that they shouldn't be asking her too many questions. Magnus gives his boyfriend a quick warm smile. _I've got this._

Alec nods, on board. Something soft pools in Magnus's stomach at the easy- if barely consequential- concession of trust. 

“Clarissa, if something is going on...”

Clary blushes, rubbing her neck self-consciously. “Okay, yeah, maybe. I wanted to wait until Simon left to say anything, because I'm not really sure what was going on, but I wasn't having a panic attack.”

Jace raises his eyebrows, surprised, and Alec sounds a little offended. “You weren't? So why did we leave?” 

Clary shrugs. “No. I wasn't. But Simon was, I think. Remember when he came to me at the bar? He whispered for me to play along before dragging me back to you two. I figured he just didn't want anyone to know, so I went along with it.”

Magnus considers this. “Has he had panic attacks before?”

Clary nods, looking a little relieved to be talking about something she's more familiar with. “Yeah, as a kid sometimes, and I think he's even had a couple since everything with Camille. But he hasn't really talked to me about it. I wasn't even sure he _could_ get them anymore, as a vampire. You know, no functional nervous system and all that.”

Magnus hums. “Panic can be all in the mind my dear, don't be fooled. Certainly the body often fuels the process, but it's not the most important part. Although, the poor boy could still have a physical fight or flight response even without a pounding heart.” 

“But why would he want to pretend it was you?” Jace isn't drunk anymore, but he looks a little dazed, and Magnus feels bad for him. The boy can be clueless. 

Clary looks like she's scrambling for an answer, clearly not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or betray Simon's trust. Magnus decides to take pity on the Shadowhunters. 

“Perhaps he didn't think he would be met with the same response if it were coming from him.”

Alec looks at him, eyebrows raised. “Why wouldn't he?” 

Magnus sighs. This is going to be a long talk. “Let's have a seat, shall we? Clary, why don't you call Simon and find out where he went, while I explain to our lovely Shadowhunter men here what the problem is.”

Clary looks visibly relieved, and grabs her phone before taking off into the other room with a grateful duck of her head. 

Alec and Jace sit, taking place next to each other on the couch. Magnus waits a beat before sitting down across from them in his chair. They give the vague impression of students waiting in a principal’s office, and Magnus can't help but find the scene a little amusing. 

“Okay, to begin with, you do know that Simon is quite firmly convinced that neither of you like him, correct?” 

Both boys stiffen, confused. “No? Why would he think that?” Jace sounds indignant, and Magnus can't help but feel his frustration start to grow. 

He shakes his head. “Have you ever given him a reason to feel otherwise?” 

Jace looks even more peeved, but Alec considers. 

“I suppose not,” he answers honestly after a moment, “but I sort of thought we didn't need to. I mean, he's not the easiest person to like, but he seems to think he is.”

“Yeah, it's not like he's _said_ he's self-conscious.” Jace pipes in. Magnus feels the childish urge to stick his tongue out. How Shadowhunters can be so endlessly oblivious is not exactly a mystery, but it certainly makes things more difficult. 

“Why would he? If he thought that he was unwanted, wouldn't saying something have only made things worse? Besides, I think it's only a natural conclusion to make that the two of you would be more willing to rescue Clary, don't you think? 

At their silence, Magnus sighs. Trying to keep the bitterness out of his tone, he explains. 

“It can be a little... _difficult_ to spend time around beautiful, brave, skilled men and women. Men and women who just so happen to have _literal angel blood_ in their veins, and who in this case, also happen to be immeasurably bound to one another in the most unique way possible in our world. Especially when the person in question happens to be a Downworlder.”

He pauses for a minute, swirling his drink as he waits for their recognition. 

“Not to mention when those beautiful, brave Shadowhunters have never once made you feel even remotely welcome or appreciated.” 

At the last part, he raises an eyebrow deliberately.

Alec and Jace look at each other, having some sort of silent conversation. Magnus smirks when they finally look down, chastised. Jace clears his throat. “Okay, if that is true then, what do we do about it? It's not like we can change our blood, and I refuse to diminish the importance of our parabatai bond.” 

Magnus is tempted to feel exasperated, but at least Jace is trying. His eyes skim over Alec, who looks thoroughly miserable, browns drawn together as he processes and puzzles out what Magnus has said. 

“No one is asking you to do that, Chase. Just perhaps be a little bit... nicer? And it never hurts to be explicit in your thoughts about someone, especially if those thoughts are kind.” 

Jace looks miffed at Magnus's deliberate use of the wrong name, but he doesn't comment on it. Instead he nods, posture rigid as if accepting an assignment. “Fair.” 

Alec looks up then. “What do we do now?” 

Magnus grimaces, poofing his unfinished drink back to the kitchen. “Now, we find him.”

-

##### JACE-- 

They find Simon curled up in the garage. He's in the fetal position on the concrete floor with his head in his hands, shaking like a leaf.

And he's clearly been crying. Jace sees a thin trail of blood-stain snaked down the side of his shirt, evidence of his tears, and feels his own stomach sink. 

“Simon?” he approaches cautiously, trying not to startle him. Somehow Jace had ended up at the front of their little search and rescue group. A position which he now feels woefully unqualified for. 

Simon flinches and immediately sniffs, wiping a hand across his face with a tired movement. To Jace's dismay, he doesn't look up. 

“Simon, it's us... It's Jace. Clary told us what happened.” 

Simon groans, burying his face further into his hands. “Go away.”

A voice pipes up behind Jace. Stern, but gentle. “Simon,” Magnus says, “Look at me. I'm walking over to you, okay?” 

When Simon glances up, his face is red, and he looks utterly worn out and resigned. 

Jace's stomach flips. _What can he do?_ It's not like he's never been around anyone having a panic attack before- or at least, he's pretty sure he's been with Alec a few times when he's had them. But he's never been good at dealing with it, and he knows Alec better than anyone.

In this moment, he suddenly feels like he doesn't know Simon at all. 

“Good. Now I need you to tell me what you need from me right now. Do you want to continue sitting there, or would you like me to help you move?” 

Simon groans again, but accepts Magnus's outstretched hand. He tugs himself up and wobbles, unsteady on his feet from being curled up for so long. Immediately Jace swoops over. 

This is something he knows how to do. 

He wraps Simon's arm around his neck, ignoring Simon's weak mumbles of protest, and guides him over to one of the lower canoes. It doesn't look very comfortable though, and he's not happy about leaving him sitting there... 

As if reading his mind, Magnus snaps his fingers, adding a couple of thick blankets and some pillows to the canoe. Simon sits down shakily. 

“Do you uh... do you need to feed?” Alec asks hesitantly. Simon flinches again, but shakes his head. “No, I'm okay. I uh- I drank before we left.” 

At the indirect mention of the club, Simon's face sinks even more. His shoulders are slumped as if he could curl himself into nonexistence. There's a long moment of silence, and then Simon exhales shakily. 

“I'm sorry.” 

Jace is taken aback. _He's sorry?_ “For what?” 

Simon shrugs, gesturing vaguely toward himself as if apologizing for his existence. 

“I ruined everyone's night. I shouldn't have said anything, I just- sorry.” 

Jace feels Alec go rigid beside him, staring at Simon as if he's sprouted an extra head or something. 

“Why _didn't_ you say anything?” Alec asks. _Bless his parabatai and his unfailing bluntness._

Simon looks up. “What do you mean? I did say something. I made everyone leave. And it was pathetic, I was just overwhelmed and I-”

“I think what Alexander is trying to ask, Simon, is why you felt the need to attribute it to Clary.” Magnus's voice isn't stern or unkind, but Simon still looks chastised. 

“It was selfish,” Simon says. Jace thinks he looks small, and young like this, with his glasses back on and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, sitting with his head bowed. “I just- I knew you guys wouldn't, uh, wouldn't react the same if it was coming from me. And I really needed to get out of there so I thought- I thought it would work better if it were coming from Clary.” 

Simon's blush deepens, and Alec sighs heavily. Jace's jaw is working. He can't say he's happy to have Magnus's suspicions confirmed, but at least it's out now right? 

Still, some masochistic part of him wants to hear Simon say it. Wants the vampire to tell him _why._

So he asks. 

Simon meets his eyes for the first time since they found him. “Because you guys don't like me.” He states it like it's fact, like he's saying the sky is blue or ducks are evil or Alec is in love with Magnus. 

Jace is heartbroken. 

He glances to Alec for back-up, but Alec is staring at his feet. Jace watches Magnus take his parabatai's hand and squeeze it gently, earning only a small nod in response. 

So Jace is alone in this, then. 

“Why would you- how could you think that Simon?” 

He knows he sounds angry, knows it's not helping, but goddammit he _is_ angry. 

After everything they've all been through together, Simon thinks that they wouldn't even do him that little favour if he needed them? 

Simon looks surprised. “Because you don't,” he says slowly, as if Jace were a child. “You never have. And I sorta thought it might have been because I was a mundane before, you know? But even after I turned... I don't know, I mean I know that I can be a lot sometimes, so I don't really blame you. And it's not like you ever lied about it, we were all on the same page right? It's fine. I just knew that you were closer to Clary, so I thought...” 

Jace feels the urge, suddenly, to sit next to Simon, to hug the poor guy. So he does. _Stupid vampire._

“Simon,” he says firmly, “Alec and I _do_ like you, okay? I mean, I won't say that we always have, or that we're best friends or anything, but I thought- I thought we had an understanding. We _do_ have an understanding, as far as I'm concerned.” 

Simon blushes, looking up toward Alec as if for confirmation. Alec nods. “You're a good guy, Simon.” 

“Oh. Uh, yeah thanks... you too. Both of you. I just thought...”

“I know what you thought,” Jace interrupts gently. “Magnus filled us in a little, and I think that Alec and I need to do a better job of making the people around us feel secure. Making you feel secure.”

“We'll try harder, we promise,” Alec adds. “Just let us know, okay? Magnus and I have a pact, an easy way for him to tell me when I'm being an asshole and perpetuating the Clave's harmful bullshit- maybe it can be like that?”

“Not to the point where we can't make fun of you anymore though,” Jace nudges him and grins. “It's just too much fun to scrap that.” 

Simon instantly lights up, and Jace feels his stomach unclench. Man, when Simon smiles, he can blind a whole room. “Yeah! Okay. I mean, thanks again. I'm still sorry for dragging you into everything but- but that means a lot.” 

Jace squeezes his hand. “Do you want to talk about what the panic attack was about?” 

Simon pauses, considering. “Yeah. Just not now okay? I'd like to sleep first, I think.” He leans back as if to fall asleep there, and Magnus makes an indignant noise. 

“Solomon, if half of the Shadowhunter population in New York can take up residence in my home for absolutely no valid reason-” he shoots a look at Jace, and Jace winks, “then you can certainly stay at my place for a night or two while you recover.” 

Simon wavers, and Magnus snaps his fingers, opening a portal. “No arguments, Shamus. Don't make me magic you through again.” He wiggles his eyebrows in threat. 

Simon groans. He's still wiping tears off of his cheeks with his sleeves, but he's laughing now too. “Oh man, that was the worst! Please don't, I'll go!”

Magnus nods, satisfied, and waits until Alec leads a still-shaky Simon through the portal before he moves to follow. 

Overwhelmed by a sudden need to act, Jace grabs his arm.

“Wait, uhm.” Magnus is looking at him impatiently, and Jace quickly removes his hand. “What you said before… about being more explicit with your feelings toward others? Well...” he takes a breath. 

“You're a dick, sometimes.” 

Magnus looks affronted, but he laughs, throwing his head back. “So are you, Wayland.” 

He goes to step through again. Jace stops him, again. 

“But,” he adds, feeling inexplicably shy. “You're also a really good guy. And I'm glad that Alec has someone like you- I'm glad Alec has _you_ \- in his life. I uhm, I'm glad I have you, too.” He doesn't blush the way Alec does, but he's still embarrassed as hell. He just hopes it comes across as genuinely as he intends. 

Magnus nods curtly, but Jace suspects his eyes are getting a little misty. He looks at Jace fondly and smirks. “You too, Chase. You too.”

And Magnus steps through. 

Jace sighs. He isn't sure that it was enough to make Magnus understand, but he hopes it was a start.

He takes one more look around Simon's home- or rather, the lonely dark garage that he lives in- and feels sick. How did he never notice how depressing this place was before? 

“I promise I'll do better Simon” he whispers to the empty room. 

And then he steps through too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hmu at [wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com.](http://www.wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com)
> 
> *edited 02/23/2018 to get rid of some harmful stereotyping, etc. that was in the first version of this. Please feel encouraged to let me know if there are any other mistakes or concerns that I've missed!


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